Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
