Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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