If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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