My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
