i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
