she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
