if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
