Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
