My liver just broke up with me...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
