dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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