I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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