i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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