Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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