oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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