there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
