I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
