What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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