The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
