At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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