What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
