It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
