watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
