So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
