You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
