I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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