Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
