My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
