I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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