this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
