Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
