remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
