Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
