When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
