So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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