I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
