hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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