i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
