It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
