This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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