im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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