all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
