so that wasnt chicken after all
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
