A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
