My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
