I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
