did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
