My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
