The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
