If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
