The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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