No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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