I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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